Burning And Starving

I’m taking quite a physical and emotional beating these days.  Yesterday my radiation oncologist (Dr. Teddy Bear) gave me a break from my radiation treatments until Monday.  The skin on my neck is pretty badly burned and peeling.  While the outside doesn’t look nice, it’s the inside – the throat that suffers most.  Swallowing is a huge chore. My mouth feels and tastes like constant infection.  I live with a toothbrush in my mouth but it’s painful to brush my teeth because of all the ulcers that have broken out.  My energy levels are mixed.  My weight has fallen drastically low.  The weigh in yesterday was 92.8 pounds.  Thankfully the doctor doesn’t seem extremely concerned about the weight.  He expects that it will continue to drop.  My body looks emaciated.  There are no words to describe.  I can’t wrap my brain around it.  I literally look like I’ve been in a concentration camp.  It also doesn’t help that my body is all bruised due to the blood thinners that I am on.  The thinness bothers me.  It takes a toll on my self-esteem.  I am on a liquid diet of weight gainer shakes.  I try to take in as close to 2000 calories a day – but it’s a struggle to get there.  I dream of food.  I dream of gorging on food – being able to taste it again.  My taste buds no longer work.  I guess it doesn’t really matter when all you can swallow are liquids.  A nurse asked me about a feeding tube.  I was appalled.  As long as I can suck something down a straw – no matter how painful, I will do that.  Maintaining a sense of normalcy is important for me.  A feeding tube seems so unnatural.  It’s just not an option.

I’m feeling incredibly grateful that I don’t have to go to radiation today.  The radiation this time around is so different.  I can taste the burning inside of me.  The thought of lying on that table today and letting that machine burn me from the inside out is just more than I want to put up with.  I know that come Monday it will be time to take up the fight again.  I’ll be ready.  I’m just glad for the break.

There are 7 treatments left.  I’m so close to the treatment finish line – and then the real work begins.  Radiation is a bomb that goes off after the fact.  It gets worse before it gets better.  But better comes.  I already know that better comes because I was there when I found out that the tumor had grown down my neck.  I’m so hopeful that we will get all of this tumor once and for all and that I’ll be able to return to a normal life again.  I’m so ready – so excited to have this behind me.  I tell myself to just keep looking at this future that lies before me.  Nate and I have so much to live for – so many blessings in our future – so much life to build.

Nate is currently in Colorado visiting his parents.  His mom is doing incredibly well.  We feel extremely lucky that she is recovering the way she is.  I thank everyone that has been holding her in your thoughts and prayers!  We are extremely grateful to you!

Yesterday I was telling Ili how this whole experience has a way of putting life into such a different perspective.  My whole life I’ve been so worried about my body; about being thin enough or beautiful enough – so much time wasted on silly preoccupations.  I look at my emaciated self now and see pictures of the woman that I was just a couple of months ago.  I remember her angst, her calorie counting, her gym sessions.  I can tell her now that none of it matters.  All of those preoccupations were for nothing.  She can be set free to preoccupy herself with things that matter so much more.  It is all about the relationships with others – the love we put out into the world.  It comes back ten-fold.  I’m incredibly aware of the compassion and love that surrounds me.  It gets me through this time and keeps me fighting the fight.  It is beyond moving!