Eventually he addresses me. I tell him that I am sick but I am very happy and very much at peace. I walk with God. I have come to know God in a new way thanks to my illness. I feel an incredible loving embrace from my maker with me at all times. I told him how I have never once blamed God for any of what has happened to me and that basically I was there because I am open to being where I need to be when I need to be there. He ponders what I say and tells me that I clearly exude a peace about me but it is as if I am holding the right key and just not turning it quite right. He holds up a key set for me and tells me that if he were to ask me to unlock the door, the natural first question would be, “Which key opens the door?” He goes on to explain that God likes to be spoken to in “his language” and that this language is located in the “mysteries of the bible.” I am a Catholic. Our healer is obviously a Christian. He asks me if I have accepted Jesus Christ as the savior of my life and I say, “Yes, I’ve made my confirmation.” I knew that this was not what he was looking to hear. He tells me that he had gone down that road and in fact was in the seminary to become a priest but he did not complete the training because he found God in a new way. We are both being very respectful of each other’s answers and he acknowledges that with all that I have told him, I clearly accept Jesus Christ as the “savior of my life.”
But next, something interesting happened that prompted a whole inquiry in me. The husband of the home asked me if I ask God directly for my healing. I had to stop to think. The truth was that I had not. I have always prayed in gratitude. The husband said that, “As God’s child it is my hereditary right to specifically request my healing.” He had a point. I figured it was enough to ask God to open my eyes and ears; ask for guidance to be at the right place at the right time. Was I afraid to be disappointed if I was not miraculously healed? Am I simply not conditioned to ask God for anything? I even had to consider all that I get out of having this tumor. Do I take it lightly? There is no part of me that feels this will end in tragedy. Am I just resting on my laurels while people all around the world are praying for my healing? I wasn’t sure. I knew I had some pondering to do.
Next, my mom and I, our gracious couple hosts, and the healer all get up and form a circle. He begins to pray and cry. Our hosts also begin to cry. I am wanting to comfort them. I am ok. I often become quite emotional in prayer but the emotion in the room seems off. After about 10 minutes of prayer, it’s over. The healer and our hosts stop crying. They turned off the water works just as quickly as they had come on. It was odd.
The healer then tells me how he would like me to look in the bible, to unlock the “mysteries” that lie within. He invites me to come to his church to pray so that I may be healed. He tells me that he does not know why God has put this lesson in my path but I will find answers if I look. Of course, for me, this illness has nothing to do with God. As my mother says, “Nothing bad comes from God.” This is not a “lesson” that God is trying to show me. This is just part of “crap” that happens in life. Nonetheless I am very grateful for the healer’s time and energy. I am grateful for the food for thought that he has given me to ponder and I am touched by people’s generosity and love. I was present to his love.
In the days that followed I opened an inquiry into why it is that I do not specifically ask for my healing. I spoke with my Dad about all I get from having this tumor. I can’t deny that I have received so many blessings and that I am aware of them is one of my greatest miracles. I blog constantly about it. I get to see one of my parents every single day and spend an afternoon with them – what a gift! I have a closer relationship to Nate because of what we have been through. I am so fully present to such an extreme amount of love all the time. My dad said to me, “However you internalize this is always going to be inadequate.” For some people, like the healer, this is a lesson from God. It gets God off the hook and puts me at the fault of the tumor. In other words, God wants to heal me, it’s just me that’s not open enough. For my father, God is inconsistent. But none the less he is in constant prayer for my full healing. For me, God is just omnipresent and this actually has nothing to do with him.
I went to my mentor with my questions. He too opened an inquiry for me when I told him that there was no part of me that thought this would end in tragedy. He asked if I had considered that it would. The one certainly was that I would die, eventually, from something and it could very well be this. An out pouring of tears came out of me. It was not because I was afraid of my death but because I am afraid of what my death would do to Nate and to my family. I have grown up in a big loving family where the worst thing that could happen is the loss of a child. It has been something inbred in me. For me, my life has been so full, so wonderful, and if it ended now, it would have been an incredible life. BUT there is so much more to live for. There are children to have, memories to make, a whole lifetime ahead to live. I realized that I do not take this lightly whatsoever. For me, getting through this, staying alive, and making a full recovery is all there is to do. I realized in that moment that the way I pray is simply a matter of conditioning. I have since become very clear with God in asking for my healing. I’m ready to be healed. I’m ready to move on from this; to start the next phase of my life. I was so grateful to my mentor that day for showing me that this is not something which I take lightly at all. When I think of Nate, waiting his whole life to propose to a woman only to find out a couple of months later that she has an inoperable brain tumor, my heart breaks in immeasurable pieces. How could this happen to someone like him? He deserves that I fight every single day this fight to the fullest extent. My parents which live and die for their children deserve the same. And so I am. I am fighting and praying and connecting with all the powers that be constantly. My weight has fallen to dangerous lows but I’m making it a full-time-job to strengthen and heal my body. One day at a time…and God is always at the wing!