Monday, March 14, 2011

Pain, Drugs, and Frustration

Last week I called my doctor to tell him that my pain had increased quite a bit.  I thought that increased pain was to be expected since my tumor continues to swell after the radiation.  I wasn't worried until my doctor informed me that increased pain was not supposed to be part of the package.  Luckily I've gotten used to hearing that my tumor doesn't behave in "expected ways."  Apparently I have a rebel tumor.
After increasing my pain meds to the maximum dose possible and spending two nights in more pain than I have experience so far, I was right back at my doctor's office.  He prescribed an opiod patch that delivers a constant dose of pain medication transdermally.  In addition I was told to continue to take my oral pain meds as needed.
I was eager to try my new patch - my pain savior.  I did sleep much better that night with my patch on but the following day I was completely drugged.  I could hardly keep my eyes open and I ended up sleeping through most of the day.  That didn't bother me too much given that it's happened several times due to the fatigue that the radiation causes.  What did bother me, what frustrated me beyond belief was that I still had pain.  I have pain in my head, face, my jaw, my neck, my teeth, etc.  How could I feel so drugged (a feeling like if you're on slow motion and not in full control of yourself) and still have pain?  The only thing left for me to try is two patches - which the doctor warned me I might have to do.  I worry that I might not wake up for two days but it's worth a shot if I can be pain free for a while.
Overall I'm just very frustrated these days.  Poor Nate is almost just as frustrated as I am.  Men are "fixers."  He sees me holding my face or my head and he just wants to make it go away.  Tomorrow, my patch change day, I'll try seeing if two patches leaves me pain free or at least with a lot less pain. 
There is one pain remedy that seems to make things somewhat better.  Saturday Ili picked me up in the afternoon and we went to the mall and later that night I spent time with friends celebrating one of my closest friend's birthdays.  When I'm distracted I still feel the pain but I'm not as focused on it.  I guess you could say that I can tune it out a bit more easily. 
Thank you Ili and friends for making my pain a little better on Saturday!
This is all I’ve got for today.  I know it’s a bit of a different blog that I usually write.  I feel like I’m just venting and not being my usual positive self.  She’ll come back – I promise.  I’m still me, but I’m hurting and frustrated and more than anything I wanted to update the blog.  I’m sorry it’s taken me a week to update.  I’ve received some concerned emails and phone calls and just wanted to let everyone know that I’m ok.  I’m hanging in here and just doing my best to roll with the punches.


  1. Hang in there bonita! We are taking care of the prayers! Have you tried meditation? I know sometimes this seems to be stronger than meditation but maybe it will help you a little bit? maybe learning through meditation how to ease your pain?....Not sure if there is something like that but just crossed my mind as I was reading you.

    Maybe there is a class that you and Nate can take and experience together?... Just an idea =)

    Love you!

  2. Hi beautiful,

    Thank you so much! I am trying meditation - it is wonderful! I'm new at it so I'm still not as good as I would like to be but it does help.
    Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers!
    Love you!