Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm Outing Myself

Over the past couple of days I've noticed that my scalp has become sensitive on the right side and I've lost a bit more hair than I'm used to.  The doctors and nurses have assured me that eventually I will lose my hair in patches. I've mentally prepared myself for this.  The past three days I've gone to wig shops to find out what my options are for new hair.  Today the lady that works at the wig store I visited told me that she likes wearing wigs so much that she purposely shaved her head bald!  I found it odd but at the same time it gave me a lot of hope for this whole wig thing.  It doesn't seem like it will be so bad at all.  For starters there are tons of options of hair, density, lengths, color, etc.  You can really customize your wig any way you want.  I've decided to use this as the opportunity to have the hair I always wanted.  The wig will take about two weeks to make and so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't lose too much hair between now and then.  If I do, I'll survive.  It's not exactly like I'm keeping this whole radiation and hair loss thing a secret.
So now that I've gotten over the whole I'll have to wear a wig thing, I'm wondering how I'll deal with the, I'll be bald in patches thing.  Will I want to see myself like that in the mirror?  Will I mind if Nate sees me with my bald patches?  I have had guy friends tell me that they think bald is sexy.  What?!  I only associate bald with sick.  I don't want to look in the mirror and see myself as sick.  One of the funny things about this whole ordeal is that I've been so glad that I don't look sick.  Even when I feel awful, I can do my hair, and put on some make up, and just like that I can at least fake it on the outside.  Faking it on the outside makes me feel a little better on the inside.  But what about when there's a half bald girl starring back at me when I look in the mirror?  It seems silly that in the midst of all of this that is so serious I would be worried about something so superficial.  I'm going to out myself a little here, but I never (never ever) wash my hair and not blow dry it.  I have curly hair.  I have no clue what my curly hair looks like because I style my hair no matter what.  I could be dead tired and I'll still never go to bed with wet hair.  The reason is that the thought of seeing my hair in it's crazy natural state in the morning freaks me out so much that I just will not do it.  So if you're wondering if this might really be an issue for me, that should give you an idea of what lies ahead. 
But I'm sticking true to my possibility of being someone who rolls with the punches.  I'm going to take it one day at a time and try to let go of being frustrated over that which I cannot control. 
My youngest sister told me the other day that sometimes it is difficult to relate to me because I am not angry about what is happening to me.  She is glad that I focus on all that is positive during this time but she said it makes me sound like I'm way too perfect.  I understand her point of view.  She's angry about what's happening to me and if this were happening to her, my view might be angrier as well.   The reality is that I am not in touch with any anger.  I have no idea who I should even be angry with and the truth is I don't have the energy to be angry.  But I am scarred and lately I'm often frustrated but if there's one thing I'm not it's perfect.  So I outed my superficiality for you little sis. Hope this makes me sound less "rainbows and butterflies."  *wink* I love you!


  1. Once again I am reminded of the special sister bond you three share....Today I am also reminded of how blessed dad and I are to have you as our eldest child...Even though no one is perfect you have been a great (nearly perfect) big sister in every way and all four of your siblings are so blessed to have you as the leader of the pack!...I feel I can not tell you enough how proud we are of how you are handling this!..

  2. My love, I wonder who you took after. Don't worry, is a privilege us women have, I don't consider that being vain, not even superficial, we just like to look good, for example, I will not take off my bandana, unless I know my hair will look, at least, have way decent, only few people have seen me having a bad hair day, but I still think you should ask your Maids of Honot to shave their heads, lol.

    You will be the most beautiful young woman with hair or without, and about Nate, don't worry, he fell in love with you, the beautiful and wonderful human being that you are, not with your hair.

    Love you with all my heart, my beautiful princess. XOXOXO...

  3. Bald patches, hair or no hair, your beautiful spirit will shine through regardless. You are a beautiful woman and will be a beautiful bride. xoxoxoxo